Obsessions

The only thing worse then being obsessed with a boy is being obsessed with a girl. Not in a sexual way but in a wierd "I am so much better than her" way. Like the girl who dates your ex boyfriends, or the girl who socks you in the face, or the girl who rubs gum into your hair and calls you fat, or the girl who gets too wasted and screams all the time but guys love her, or the evangelistic christian who for some reason has this sense of humor that people adore... those girls.

I HATE the obsession with those girls.

i do however love my obsession with the right girls. I love when Pantea talks about her new bed and how she loves it and she misses the old man and we dance and laugh so hard



and Amy typing on her computer that the babies pulled all the letters off the keyboard and she's telling me that things are so much more important than stupid girls and stupid worries and I'll learn that and she has a whole family and the boys love it and I see them watch her.


And Emily Emily Emily since we were 12 watching the sunrise with regret or crashing on some douche bags rug in Malibu pretending we are story book characters riding the coast all the way home from Santa Barbara with a crush on 12 boys


and Kelsey strong and lovely and full of heart and young and bitchy and calling me and letting me blab away and standing up for me no matter the consequences...


these girls. These are the obsessions I love. It don't get much better then that.

I'm in a strip club on Hollywood blvd and annaliese's roommate is pulling her panties down onstage and annaliese is slapping her ass she looks at me and says she cant believe she hasn't met me before today I tell her I've heard so much about her and the stripper grabs my boobs and it doesn't get her any more tips so it was probably pointless but they're all on meth there anyway.

I sit and think about Palm Springs and feel a rush of anxiety as i imagine walking through the large crowds at Coachella and all the girls are beautiful and the boys are preoccupied or on mushrooms or tabs of E and I remember junior High and thats how it feels to think of the concert. I will lay by Jimmy's pool with rich people and we will swim at night in the heat and I will wear my rasta bikini and Chris will probably be there and tug my hair and kiss me and hes very cute but I can't seem to let go of something that's holding me back. Something is stopping me from crushing from feeling anything.

It's probably Ben Mackenzie.